TAKEAWAY 1:

The EXPLOSIVE child

Belief: Kids will do well if they can. Research shows that what is getting in their way are skills.

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TAKEAWAY 2:

There are many kids who do not benefit from motivation, those that do not benefit from the reward and punishment approach as this is only a short term solution. 

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TAKEAWAY 3:

As parents, we become “obsessed” with something else. We should be focusing on what is causing the behaviour, yet we become obsessed with trying to fix the behaviour.

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TAKEAWAY 4:

The biggest shift is focusing on behaviour and trying to modify it to finding the cause, and then to focus on that.

 

TAKEAWAY 5:

An unsolved problem = a Childs unmet need.

When we have an unsolved problem we are not meeting an expectation of the child.

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TAKEAWAY 6:

IF you are solving the problems collaboratively and proactively with reward systems, then behaviours will subside and problems will be solved.

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TAKEAWAY 7:

The following are all Lagging skills that children need to acquire:

- handling transitions, emotions, responses, putting feelings in words, moving off ideas, how behaviour is effecting other people.

See the Free Assessment on Dr Ross Greene's site.

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TAKEAWAY 8:

Unsolved problems may include the following where a parent has specific expectations: brushing teeth at night, getting dressed in the morning, homework (specifically math), difficulty getting up in the morning, eating what is made for supper, doing specific chores.

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TAKEAWAY 9:

STEPS to overcome unsolved problems:

1. Do not respond reactively, wait for the meltdown to blow over / heat of the moment to blow over.

2. If the previous interventions haven’t worked, you need to find new ones.

3. Complete the assessment of lagging skills.

4. Prioritize the problems

5. Solve one problem at a time, not more than 2-3 at a time.

6. Don’t let the pile of unsolved problems be overwhelming. It’s more overwhelming not knowing the problems in the first place

7. Involve your child in the prioritizing, and communicate with them about what you're doing

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TAKEAWAY 10:

The 3 Plans of Problem Solving

Plan A) Solve problems unilaterally (Rewards)

Parent: “Ive decided that..”

With this Plan you may still be setting your child up for failure because the problem isn’t being addressed, if they are not rewarded (which is punishment in itself), then it is demotivating for the child.

 

Plan B) Put 2/3 problems here (high priorities), working together with your child collaboratively

 

Plan c) Set aside a problem for now, because you’re prioritizing (this stabilizes and calms things down)

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TAKEAWAY 11:

If a child is having difficulty telling you what their concerns are, here’s what to do:

Hold out The 5 fingers. Ask your child which one is applicable when asking them a question:

Really True, Pretty true, Sort of true, Not really true or Not true at all.

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What's making it hard for the child to talk? Have you been permissive in the past? Do they feel heard? If a child does not want to talk, whether you talk today or tomorrow won’t really make a difference. History is the reason for the child not wanting to talk, not the problem today. Be mindful of these things and realize that because of the way you have handled situations in the past, your child won't be an open book off the bat once approaching them in this new way. Take it day by day.

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TAKEAWAY 12:

If a child says “You’re not the boss of me", when you are trying to get them to open up, you can respond with: “Yes, I'm not the boss of you. You can’t make me walk, and I can’t make you talk.”

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TAKEAWAY 13:

Ask your child whether this is a hard problem to talk about. Our assumptions are usually part of the problem.

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TAKEAWAY 14:

There are two things to consider:

• How are the unsolved problems affecting the child?

• How are the unsolved problems affecting other people?

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TAKEAWAY 15:

“I wonder if there is something we can do about…”

This gives them the first opportunity to address the problem. The solution needs to work for both of you. If the child addresses the concern in a way that does not work for you, then mention: “I imagine that would work for you, however it would not work for me because….”

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TAKEAWAY 16:

Remember: Behaviors are only signals. What your child needs is someone who recognizes that they have a problem behind the behavior they are expressing and who will assist them in solving the problem so that they are able to do so on their own in future.

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TAKEAWAY 17:

Kids want to meet your expectations, but because we are under the assumption that they don’t due to their behaviour, we deal with them in a unilateral way by means of Plan A. We need to try to solve problems more by means of Plan B and C.